A serious journal.

” “LEGENDARY SPARTANS” HISTORICALLY INNACURATE “

To many, the Spartans were representing a near invincible army of brute force. They have been praised to the point of being legendary, and recently, 300, a movie mostly focused the famous battle of Thermopylae, was made.

Unfortunately to the 300 fans, it was revealed yesterday that the Spartan force never actually fought at Themopylae. In fact, it is believed they never fought in their entire life. A team of Australian archaeologists were searching for ancient Greek remnants and found many skeletons wearing Spartan gear. After some weeks, scientists declared that they were in fact the Spartans. Some years ago, not very far from there, some other scientists had found an ancient book depicting the Spartan army as being one of the most useless army ever conceived. From this day, it was considered as a hoax.

The man who actually found the bodies ( a guy named Gary ) is an historian and he was very upset with his own findings: ” I believe it’s a shame that the Spartans were so dumb and naive. I was truly believing the stories about them, but then, it turned out to be all fake. “. Our reporters had the opportunity of reading the ancient book about the *real* Spartans not so long ago. Here is a translated version of an excerpt:

” I was there. I, Bognus the one-legged, was there. I saw everything. Leonidas first put his helmet backwards. I told him that he wasn’t wearing it the right way, and the only thing he replied was ” I’m Leonidas, I’m a king, I know how to put an helmet on my head! “. He then walked away but, since he couldn’t see anything with his helmet, he slipped on a banana pelt. His soldiers were all standing at the edge of a cliff, looking at Xerxes’ troops coming from the sea. They all fell, grabbing each other, trying to keep themselves from falling - but failing. They all died at the bottom in a pool of mud by the shore. The most striking detail is the fact that this pool was partially made of Sparta’s feces. We thought that the sea would eat the poo away, but it is the poo who ate us in the end. This is how Leonidas the simple and the 300 Spartans died. And this is why I, Bognus the one-legged, have become a strong defendant of proper sewer systems for the past 10 years. All they ever cared about was musculation. They kept on building their bodies in order to look like the statues of the Gods themselves, but they never actually knew how to fight. ”

HISTORIAN CLAIMS THE CONQUEROR WAS AHEAD OF HIS TIME

 Most famous historians describe Genghis Khan as being a ruthless conqueror and murderer of millions. However, there are some people who believe the contrary. Meet Harvey. Harvey is a part-time historian, part-time unicyclist. Recently, he wrote an essay on the benefits that would’ve resulted on the ecosystem if Genghis Khan would have ruled the Earth today.

” You see, Genghis Khan and the Mongols were nomads. That means they moved from place to place in order to find new resources while the used ones would have the time to regenerate during their absence. In this sense, they were way better than the sedentary people of, say, China, who had to take all of the resources around until there was no more. “

Harvey also told us about the many ecological advantages nomadism had over sedentarism. ” You see, when the nomads would do their thing… I mean… When they would produce feces, well they would do it and some days later they would leave the place for some other area. While they were gone, the shits would disintegrate with the help of various factors including the elements and insects. Insects love shit, you know it. Well they would feast on that shit as if it was the greatest meal, the meal of the Gods themselves, and they would eat it all. When the Mongols would come back, the shits would be gone and they could put shit once again in that area and the process would repeat itself every time. Sedentary civilizations however, they can’t move and they can’t destroy the shits without getting shit all over themselves so they invented the sewers. But with the sewers, you needed water. That water, the Mongols didn’t need it for their shits you know… And all of the water being used in the sewers, of course, is being polluted I mean with shits floating in it it’s pretty obvious. “

A WONDROUS DISCOVERY

A tribal chief living with his tribe in the amazonian forest announced that he had found a lost civilized world yesterday.

Ogluk, ruler of the small village, told the reporters the following: ” Well, we were all enjoying a nice cup of tea. Tronko was discussing theoretical physics with Iguilk while I was busy inventing a machine which could produce a perpetual movement. Suddenly, this large helicopter started flying over us. The wind of the helicopter blew all of my notes away and, and… I don’t know… Anger got control of me. We all started behaving like animals and the only weapons we have ( since we’re peaceful people ) are rudimentary, decorative bows and arrows. So this is it, this is what you see. “

ONCE AGAIN, AIR ON THE LOOSE

” If air wasn’t there on Earth, there wouldn’t be so many casualties yearly “  was the conclusion for a 2007 study on death and its causes. All around the world, the study was perceived as being ” obviously right ” by scientists and thinkers. ” It’s common sense. I mean… Think about it. Let’s take cancer for a second and think… What causes cancer? Well, I know air is not directly responsible for cancer unless it is highly polluted… But let’s take air out of the equation when analysing all the causes of death… Without air, there wouldn’t be plane crashes, asthma or SARS or the bubonic plague or anything. We should seriously think about deleting air as rapidly as possible from the Earth to prevent a possible worldwide natural genocide. “claimed Norman McCullen, highly renown scientist.

“I JUST CAN’T CATCH AIR”

Scotland Yard’s greatest crime solving officer, Jonas Brown, explained his daily frustrations to the press: ” I’ve been trying to catch the air in many ways to prevent it from killing people, but the thing’s so elusive! I recently put air in a perfectly sealed box, but then I figured out that I was surrounded by even more air! I just can’t catch air! I even tried to swallow some of it, thinking that this could lead me to reduce it in size… But air came out of my own bloody nose! “

I know, I know, fellow loyal readers ( 3 guys with apparently very little else to do ), the news have been missing for many days.

Through our experiments at Idiotic Bystander ( we’re currently trying to find a way to make blue oranges ), we have opened a door that led us many days ahead in time. This phenomenon occured on May 20th. This was yesterday ( because, yes, yesterday was May to us, the staff because we got time warped… that’s what I am trying to explain ). So now, the news should get back to normal once again… Unless that warp comes back. In this case, see you next week.

OSCAR WINNING MOVIE TURNS BROADWAY

The famous novel turned into movie titled ” No Country For Old Men ” will have its own Broadway interpretation very soon, according to our sources. An executive told us ” The title will be No Country Music For Old Men “and it will be about two rival gangs of pirates ( music pirates ) in Texas. The deal goes wrong and they all kill each other and what is left is the new, unreleased and unknown Pink Floyd album. After some time, a man comes nearby and finds the record, listens to it and since he was used to country all of his life, he loves the album and chooses to keep it. He wants to send it to a local radio station in order to make it listen to everyone else in Texas. At some point he finds out many people want the album. The pirates want it, but the other pirate gang also want it. And then there’s the RIAA lawyer who tries to catch all of those guys. There’s also this man who is a professional killer on the loose and he wants the album so bad - he’s a David Gilmour fanatic you know, and he’s ready to kill everyone in his path with his horn which is modified into a saxophone hybrid.

SCRIPT SHOWN TO THE PRESS!

We were allowed to show some of the script for the upcoming play:

Anton Chigurh: My name is Anton Chirguh I am a David Gil-mour faaaan!

( David Gil-mour faaaan! )

Llewelyn Moss: My name is Llewelyn Moss I just saw you kill-ing a maaaan!

( Kill-ing a maaaan! )

Chigurh & Moss: We’re both desperate to achieve our goals oh yes we’ll do what we caaaan!

( Do what we caaaan! )

Chigurh: I will kill you!

Moss: And I will run!

Chigurh: I will hunt you!

Moss: Well won’t you come!

Chigurh: Well I’m coming!

Moss: Well I’m waiting!

Chigurh: Here I go!

Moss: Oh here you go!

Chigurh: I swear to God I’ll have this album!

Moss: Never never you can kiss my bottom!

SOURCE OF LIFE IS ALSO SOURCE OF DEATH

Scientists all over the world are now considering the impossible. In his basement, Dr. Bill R. Dunham discovered that water was in fact the source of all cancer around the world. The shocking results stunned the entire medical world yesterday. Dr. Dunham told us how he managed to make this discovery: ” At some point, I thought, hey, why do we all have cancer? Why do we keep on having it even with all that sunscreen and those sanitary products? Then I told myself that I should try and find what has been there for ages all around the world. And there it was… Water! It’s water! People always end up dying because they drink water. Water is not good for you. Especially the fresh, clear one - it’s the deadliest. “

DOCTOR VERBALLY ASSAULTED DURING PRESS CONFERENCE

Following the discovery, doctor Bill Dunham decided to make a press conference to inform the medias and the world about it. Soon enough, many scientists from all around the world were asking Dunham various questions:

” How do you know it’s WATER for Christ’s sake!? This sounds totally DUMBO.”

” I DONE told you: Everyone drinks water. Since everyone drinks it and practically everyone gets cancer it’s easy to do the math. People who die out of something else simply don’t drink enough water during their life. “

” Yes but WHAT… erm… What is exactly making water cancerous? What’s in the water? Can you give us detailed chemical explanations!? “

” Listen. The humanity’s survival is at stake and some people like YOU are trying to condemn us by denying the truth. Please officers arrest this man he is a… a…. A NAZI! “

” What! That’s totally UNTRUE!!! You’ll pay for this Dunham! HEY! LET GO OF ME!!! Oh God I swear you’ll pay you baboon!! I’LL TAKE YOU DOWN ONE DAY DUNHAAAAMMMmmm!!!… “

[...]

” Thank you officers, now gentlemen, please, let us continue… “

“IT COULD BE A BIRD HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT”

In a press conference resulting from the latest local UFO sightings, the Army decided to prove once and for all that UFOs are only a series of misunderstood natural phenomenons. Multiple explanations have been given. ” Listen folks, we at the Army, we saw everything. There are no UFOs around here. It’s pure foolishness. We live in reality here. ”. [...] ” It could be a bird holding a flashlight or a flashlight with wings. Or wings holding a flashlight or a flash holding a light for all we know. ” explained the General. ” Our scientists have studied the case and they believe that UFOs could be explained in many ways including: a ball, I mean, a baseball ball you know. Maybe some baseball player was playing at night and since he wanted to know where the ball was heading in the sky well he just used a flashlight in order to spot it in the sky…,. It could be a radioactive hummingbird… or a gigantic firefly. It could also be Santa Claus especially during Christmas time of course. As for the sightings during the day well all that I can say is that it’s probably some… thing… “

ALIEN BEINGS?

When asked about the possibility of alien beings visiting the Earth, the General was very quick in explaining that ” If extra-terrestrial beings would exist and abduct people, I’d be the first to be abducted since I know everything about the intra-terrestrials who live in Earth’s deepest core… So, get real, people. “.

ROCKS WERE POSSESSED BY EVIL SPIRIT FROM HELL

In a small Mexican village, the Lulalobos family was continuously mocked by others when they would claim that the rocks found near their home were subject to many demon possessions daily. They have been laughed at for many years until famous exorcist William H. Macy ( not to be confused with the actor of the same name ) came to their house yesterday, acknowledged the presence of an evil spirit within the rocks and performed a successful exorcist on them at approximately 10:37 am.

ROCKS WERE NUMEROUS

Following the exorcism, the priest was interviewed by our reporters. ” When I came to the house, the family was on the verge of going mad with fear. I told them not to fear the Devil, for God  will deal with Him  on Judgment Day ™. I, however, could deal with the rocks. The family told me the rocks often stood right in front and behind of their house, practically surrounding them. Once, the father threw a rock away, but when he looked back, he saw hundreds of other rocks all around his house. The rocks were not moving, but they were numerous. Once, a very small rock got stuck in the mother’s shoe and it was carried into the house. When the family saw that rock within the house, they called me. I came as quickly as possible, knowing that this case was similar to many other rock cases. “

PRIEST KNOWS HIS THING

Macy has seen many demons and possessed people in his life. His 60 years experience makes him one of the most important exorcist of his time. He is well known for practicing exorcisms on other things and people including: a bunch of oreo cookies, a feather, Elmo, the entire Japanese punk rock band known as Guitar Wolf and, of course, God Himself.

It is with a great sense of happiness that I can now finally announce that we at the Idiotic Bystander have concluded a peace treaty with our enemies - the flying monkeys, who subsequently became our own staff. Yes indeed, we have decided to fire our previous staff members and we decided to hire the flying monkeys to replace them.

The reason for this is very simple, our previous staff could not fly, while the monkeys could. The possibilities are now infinite for us and our growth as an independent news journal. But do not be afraid, readers, for the news will remain the same!

I do hope the delayed news will pay off,

                                                                                                                     The Dictator